Where I’m At

I slept hard for a few hours, and something woke me.

I’ve been doing some of the homework from The Book Academy. It gives purpose to the thoughts running through my head.

Yesterday, before work, my husband and I spent some quality time together. Because long stretches of sleep aren’t happening right now, and I’m not ready to resume my usual morning routine.

We were talking about the root cause of my current mental dip. I couldn’t tell him exactly. I am triggered for several reasons. I have the perfect visual, though.

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Years ago, I watched a movie called A Perfect Ending. One of the characters in this movie is an artist going through grief.

A Perfect Ending. Directed by Nicole Conn, Naledi Tlhoaele, 2012 (images feature Jessica Clark)

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If I were to identify where I am right now, I’m staring at the broken vase. Looking at the mess and purposely deciding not to rush the process. In the past, I would rush to clean it up, stuff it down, lock it away, and add whatever caused the explosion into the baggage without dealing with anything until absolutely necessary. All the coping, none of the healing.

I will not get the life I want without the healing. So, I’m intentionally sitting in it. Hopefully, I will be able to get my appointments sooner rather than later. This process is going to be hard. I can do hard things. I’m stronger than everybody else, right? (yeah, right)