Okay AND Not Okay

Yesterday, I sat in on a webinar from Matthias Barker, and his work resonated.

While sitting and taking notes, he asked a question that felt like a gut punch. How do you want to spend your energy? Do you just want to cope, or invest in healing?

It never occurred to me that the ability to cope is different from healing. I spent my life coping. Coping with circumstances beyond my control. Coping with my disability and adapting the world to suit me. Coping with the consequences of choices, whether mine or others.

In my mind, coping meant healing. And, yesterday… I realized it wasn’t.

Since surgery, I love my body. Much of my inner turmoil was healed. I love that for me. At the same time, other things are coming to the surface. And, I can’t shake the idea that there might be something I’m missing. I can process and continue to cope; I have those skills.

I’m tired of just coping. I deserve the chance to see if I can heal and move beyond. So, after the webinar… I talked to my husband, then sent the referral request to my surgeon. I sent her a message that it was there and that I was okay.

And then the floodgates opened. I HATE that I need this. I HATE asking for it. Shouldn’t I be strong enough to manage this by now? (Sorry, inner monologue broke loose.)

I’m okay. I am not in crisis. I deserve better.

I’m done ignoring the baggage and powering through. I’m going to put in the work to actually be better and live the life I dream of.