Love of Body, Love of Soul

I recognize my soul. My inner most self that only I get to see.

I saw her in the mirror as a child. She longed to use both hands and not trip when she played. 

I saw her in the mirror as a tween. She hated the bumps on her chest. It made her friends (mostly boys) treat her even more different than they did already. 

At 17, I saw her again… but it was different.  She was the same yet different. Darkness creeped in since the last check in and stayed. 

At 19, when my soul found it’s mate. I saw her again. But, there were very few things I recognized as myself.

Throughout my 20s, I tried to figure out what I was missing. I tried to find what my soul needed to shine.

In 2011, when my limited function became nonexistent, I found a surgeon willing to help. And, he did. With the help of my aftercare therapist… I gained function and mobility. In 2018/19, I had follow-up surgeries to eliminate pain and gain a little bit more function of my fingers.

Along the way, we became parents of other’s kids and in our own right through adoption. 

When I looked for my soul during those years, I saw glimpses but the darkness lingered.

In 2020 at the beginning of COVID. I graduated from college with a degree in Healthcare Administration. 2 years later, I found my job where I help people get the care they need.

This job and the system I work for, helps my soul put the darkness in the background… but it is still ever present.

The darkness is my companion and generally  I can mitigate the worst effects.

I had a long talk the last time I recognized my soul. What would ease it all… what would bring her out to the sunlight completely and forever.

The answer was undeniable. ‘Set it right.’ It being the pain.

Pain and me are not strangers. It doesn’t stop me from my favorite things. BUT, there are types of pain and certain health diagnoses that I go above and beyond to avoid.

That’s why I went to the breast surgeon.  That is why I amputated my breasts. That is why I follow my doctor’s instructions to the very best of my ability.

Almost 8 weeks post op and each time I look in the mirror.  I recognize my soul. The pain is gone. The risk of severe illness from that particular cancer is near nonexistent. In it’s place, 2 scars. And the thought comes. This is how it’s supposed to be. This is me. This is what I needed.

The darkness I first saw at 17 is the lightest it has ever been. My soul smiles back at me and I know that I am set to live my best life.