Endings…

This week our parenting journey came to an abrupt end to a long-term placement. What’s more? It’s extremely possible that our journey in the world of foster care and our hope for adoption is over.

The day after we were blind-sided by this change I shared the following with a good friend:

“Yep. I was half tempted to go to a bar…. but I got food instead.”

“I wouldn’t have stopped at one tonight.”

“I’ve never in my life wanted to feel completely numb like I do right now. Not even when I thought about suicide. That was just about being at rest.”

“Right now I just don’t want to feel. I want not to care. I want not to hurt.”

All of this was written in tears… and once I could see again… I said:
“As much as I don’t want any of those things I know I can’t run from them… that will put me where I was when my son did what he did.”

When my son went to prison I felt the full weight of his actions on my shoulders. I firmly believed and was led to believe by more than one person that what he did was my fault. That I could have somehow changed the outcome by doing things differently. To stop that thought process cold, I ran from all the feelings. The wall around my heart went sky high and all relationships changed. I shut down. 

The circumstances of this situation are different, but my response could be the same. But, over the last 9 years… I have changed. My response then served me poorly. That response now would destroy everything I have worked so hard for. So, I am moving forward with caution. 

Instead of pushing people away, I’m holding tight to my tribe. I’m trying to compartmentalize. I cannot let these circumstances derail anything that I am doing in the rest of my life. I’m doing my best to live in the knowledge that as a good friend told me once: “You’re doing good. As a friend. A wife. (and most importantly atm) A parent. You. are. doing good.”

Whatever the outcome of this next season, I will not lose myself in the sorrow and accusations. I will cherish the good memories. I will be confident that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I will do/be better now that I know better. This season will not break me.