I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 11. I knew and recognized the gospel truths that I was taught early on.
From the ages of 14 ‐ 18 being a member of the church saved my life in so many ways. It also gave me opportunities that I wouldn’t have had without it.
I went to a church owned school and met my husband. Received temple blessings and settled into church as just an accepted part of my life and identity.
Pre pandemic my social life was wrapped up for the most part in church. Post pandemic, as I started my career and became a parent again. I discovered that I had more in common with people outside of church. I was accepted for who I am now not some perfected unattainable version of myself. The support for me and my family were coming from people not part of church.
When I came home from NY in September 2021. I developed little patience for being in church and pretending I was living a “normal” life. So, I slowly pulled back.
In the meantime, mormon culture which I have always struggled with has upped the ante and other parts of my life that should be considered my strengths were coming under attack by people that don’t know me personally and aren’t part of the larger group to which I belong. Add to that members of my ward not acknowledging me unless I’m in the building (even though we are neighbors) and not feeling uplifted during services… and I’m in a position of being a believer without a home.
Thankfully, though he doesn’t really understand (my husband knows nothing outside of the LDS church)… he is willing to support me in my faith journey. I’m not exactly sure it will land me, but like most things in my life lately… I’ve been here before.
Everything is hitting different though. I am not questioning myself. I’m evaluating the systems around me. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. The point where maybe it’s not me that needs to change is my first thought, not my last is really nice, ya know?
Indomitable Bellatrix 