Recognition

Yesterday at lunch, I was ordering a meal in the cafeteria at work when a nurse in full scrubs and mask asked me if I remember her.

I scanned her badge, and I did recognize her voice… but where/when/who she actually was/how I know her, nope… I had no frigging clue.

She placed the when. Because she told me, you were fully bald the last time I saw you (2013-2014) and we had mutual friends. (homeschool groups). Back then was not an easy time in my life. I was raising my son plus a sibling set of 3 in my home. I wasn’t yet driving. I was parenting solo as Justin was working in Utah. It was a hard!

I was still denying my sexuality and identity, I hadn’t found good or consistent habits for managing my mental health, and if I’m being brutally honest I was being held together by duct tape and twine. Fantasizing about my death was a near-daily occurrence. Life was definitely worth living, but I longed for (still do some days, tbh) the rest and freedom that will only come when I’m not constrained by this human body of mine.

The conversation continues: I didn’t know you worked here? (I’ve worked for St Luke’s for about 6 months now). You seem good. (I am good, I love my life.) It’s nice to see you.

Can I tell you, I was never expecting that interaction with anyone from that time in my life. I don’t recognize myself from back then. I am in such a better place in my life. I’ve done the hard work to change and find skills that (hopefully) never leave me in a mental minefield ever again. She recognized the outcome of all that effort.

I have a job I love. I work with amazing people. I get to do something I love to maintain my mental health (my bike at home is not used as often as my trips to Cyclebar were, but I am working on it). My husband and I are happy and our marriage is strong. We have kids in our home again. I have people in my life who would “drive five miles just to give me a hug.” Or drop whatever they were doing and use the spare key and let me in my house so I can get out of the cold. I am finding a good balance of how, where, what, and when to worship. Most days I wake up excited for the day. Days when I’m not, I can get there in short order.

The person that the nurse knew doesn’t exist anymore and I have never been so happy to be recognized in my life.