In 2014-2015 I was knee-deep in dealing with the consequences of my son’s actions. There were many days in the courthouse. During that time, I was also part of a homeschool community. The families in this group were people I trusted with my struggles while we kept learning the details. By the time we were packing our house to move to NY, the people I thought were my friends were gone. I was abandoned by them. And, the one that stung the most was a college roommate. But, that experience taught me something.
I learned I could be myself, have friends, and still end up alone. That lesson made the wall around me sky high. My levels of sarcasm/self-deprecation/sassiness became quite varied and created a level of togetherness and protection at the same time.
Over the last couple of years, I have let the wall down. My self-deprecation is decreasing. I am open to being vulnerable and my filter (the outward appearance I show to the world) looks surprisingly just like the person I am at home with my husband.
Last week, being myself without the filter caused someone else pain. I quickly apologized. But, the damage was done. And, that relationship is altered and changed potentially beyond repair.
So, time to put up that wall again. I have too much to lose to let this shut me down as it did the last time I lost people I trusted. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to lose anyone else.
Indomitable Bellatrix 