I get depressed. Deep darkness, can’t see a way through the pain and don’t want to live anymore kind of depressed. No, I do not take medication for it. I tried that but they made me not recognize any part of my personality. So, I found other coping mechanisms. Writing, Service, Church, Family, Friends, Reading out of Good Books, Exercise, & Overcoming Fear (that’s another post). These keep me from the deepest darkest feelings of hopelessness and despair.
With the stay at home order and the ending of so many things that kept me busy and distracted, I have been finding it hard to keep the darkness at bay.
My bonus daughter sent me a recording of her singing this song.
What she didn’t know was just how badly I needed the reminder that there are too many good reasons to stay and shed light on all the darkness in my world. We found out last week that our granddaughter will be with other family members out of state. When inquiring about the next steps we found out that the social workers prevented us from knowing the other family members sooner. On top of that, we learned out that our foster care license is still in limbo because the necessary steps weren’t taken at the same time as the home study for my granddaughter’s case. Add these things to the loss of normal life and you can imagine that I’m struggling to see the bright light of noonday.
Whenever I get to this point I remember the first time where my negative thoughts and imaginings of self-harm were almost realized. I went looking for the post I wrote long ago, but it’s not available anywhere. So, today… I’m going to sit in the darkness for a bit and relive that experience.
I was in my 20s. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment. I spent my days at home with little contact with the outside world. I believed that I was a coward, and thought I was incapable of becoming more independent, working outside the house, or accomplishing any of my goals. I didn’t have anyone I truly felt I could rely on (other than my husband) so I retreated into the digital world of games, internet forums (before Facebook), and television. I suffered through insomnia on a fairly regular basis.
One day around this time of year, I suffered through a particularly horrible bout of insomnia. I was only sleeping a few hours a day and if I slept longer than that I would wake up in full panic and anxiety. It was in this state of exhaustion that I stepped out on the balcony of our third floor and imagined what it would be like to jump and land on the rock formation that was below. I tried to figure out how I would climb the barrier and if there would be enough space for me to stand for a proper jump/fall. After a little while pondering this I walked inside and called a friend… but she was busy… so I was left alone… I found myself back on the balcony… multiple times… I was desperate and my soul was crying out for help. After I figured out how I was going to get up on the balcony… and had a set plan… there was a knock on my door… I answered. The next thing I remember clearly was being in front of a triage nurse surrounded by people I recognized but didn’t know… I was saved for an unknown reason. Days later my miracle happened.
On my original post my sister responded. Back then, we just went to church together… we weren’t yet entwined so intricately into each other’s lives. She said that I was saved because Heavenly Father had something for me to do. And something along the lines of she was glad she knew me. I don’t know if the work I’m supposed to do is done, or if I’m still being prepared for it, but I can honestly say that I have many reasons to stay and many things I still want to do in my life. I still have dark moments, sometimes the physical pains brought on by my disability brings me to the brink, sometimes the negative thoughts and lies try to take hold. But, I refuse to give in to those things anymore. I am worth the fight.
Thriving is staring down into the darkness… and turning around and running into the other direction
Indomitable Bellatrix 