Last night was a bedtime struggle. When I finally was able to go to sleep it was well after midnight. As I’ve said, I’m exhausted. This morning all my alarms were turned off so I could sleep as long as I needed. I woke in a start. I was dreaming about being in class at cyclebar. The only other thing I remember about the dream is the song that was playing.
After listening to the song from beginning to end… the well opened and I cried an ugly cry for a few minutes. “Dry your tears and hold tight…. can’t you tell I got news for you. Sun is shining, and so are you.”
I texted a friend and we went back and forth for a little bit, until I was calm. Then, I got up and faced my day with my son head on. It’s date night for my husband and I so, it’s daycare day for him. It took a bit for him to get going… but as we were arriving at the daycare, he says: “I’m going to tell you all about my good day on the way home later.”
I went to cycling class after that because,,, I couldn’t shake the energy I had at that point. I hoped on the bike and literally sweat it out. And, then… I heard the instructor say a list of mantras… and as each mantra was said I received a confirmation in my mind. “Yes, you are.” What’s new for me: there was absolutely no argument. I accepted each one as truth.
I am… strong.
I am… a good wife.
I am… a good mom.
I am… unstoppable.
That’s when the tears came… and I turned up the resistance and growled my way through it.
This afternoon we had our cycling date night. I moved my bike to be next to him and we start riding. I tried to go inward and concentrate on form and resistance… but I should have known better. The cycle theater has been like church for me lately and just like this morning… there was something I needed to hear. The message today was: What would your life be like if you just made that small change? What would it be like if you just did that thing that you’ve been putting off? Show up for yourself because when you do, you are showing up for those people that need you. Every single one of these was a gut punch. Basically, saying… now is not the time to rest. Get to work, Beth. Or to put it another way… “Because you are who you are… you have to be stronger than everybody else.”
Just like before, I say: I don’t want to be stronger than everybody else. Also just like before… I’m going to do it anyway… but unlike before, I will not do it alone. I’m not going to be afraid to take a step back, take a breath, and do the next hard thing. (That hard thing by the way… is staying accountable to my people and asking for what I need.) I know that when I do; they will be there ready and willing to take the weight off of my shoulders.
Oh and by the way: my son did have a good day… and as I type this… he is sleeping peacefully in bed. He reminded me tonight that I made a promise to him. I’m permanent. He’ll always be able to count on me. I hope to live up to that promise and that he takes me up on it, throughout his life.
Indomitable Bellatrix 