Stay In the Uncomfortable

The morning my husband left for Texas to be with his family was going to be a great day with the kids. I had plans set up and help lined up for when I needed it. Shortly after waking up, I got a call from the caseworker, saying that the birth mom was granted a long in-home visit and that it could start as early as that day.

As I said, I was looking forward to the kids going home to mom. This was the goal of this placement, and I have seen lots of growth with all the parents and the kids. I felt like my role was over. So, that morning we instead packed the kids up and I dropped them off at home.

Thankfully immediately following that… I was able to go to spinning class and be surrounded by my community. When I did get home after the class, I recognized immediately that I was completely uncomfortable. I haven’t been alone in the house for longer than 10 hours at a time in a very long time, let alone sleep alone in the dark and the quiet.

I almost called a friend and asked to stay with her. Instead, I turned on a lamp in my bedroom… let my dog sleep in the room with me and stayed uncomfortable. I took the time alone to rest my mind and spirit.

I also got to celebrate my friend’s birthday party on Friday late into the night and spend Saturday (after my morning ride, of course) getting down to getting the room put together. I learned a few things about myself this weekend:

• I don’t need the noise of the house to feel comfortable. The bedroom tv stayed unplugged and out of the room. I slept in the quiet each night.
• I am genuinely happy for the kids and birth family. I miss them and sad that I don’t see them everyday… but I am a peace about this process
• My mindset has changed. I used to be a very angry person. When I was sad it would manifest in a visceral way. Not anymore, It was amazing to realize that I don’t need to hit a wall or kick something anymore. (No, I’m not giving up kickboxing!)
• I don’t need to be in church building to worship.
• My friends will not let me drown in the uncomfortable thing if I simply open my mouth.
• Now that my husband has seen his family, maybe it’s time I see mine… before tragedy strikes.